Three long years. Three whole years of this madness. Can it be possible that I have lived a whole lifetime in three years? That most people NEVER have to go through this? I'm so alone, but he is more alone so it doesn't compare, doesn't matter. I'm hurting... He's hurting more so suck it up. Also, on top of that, go ahead a run yourself ragged trying to make it better because some of this actually is circumstantial and sometimes it actually does eventually help.
The furrowed brow says it all. Breaks me down, Makes me want to run.Anywhere but being close by helps. It helps to know that there is a world of generally happy people and I am not alone in my health in joy.
 I don't want to be running from the home for peace.
This has ruined everything. Ruined my marriage- although it is still in existence its void of affection. Empty of concern. Rips apart the two of us being one. He is in a separate world. A dark space set apart. 10 feet away, but a universe stands between us.
I am often times a horrible mother, consumed by too much hurt to be patient enough to listen- not bent towards kindness. They pick up on it too and are nasty to each other.
I have my writing. The only respectable therapy. If I talk about it, it's slanderous, not keeping his heart. When I don't, it bottles up and eats me from the insides. Like being buried alive, and still able to mechanically function. Paralyzing. Just moving subconsciously. The routine.
How do people experience the darkness and have family stick around? How do I live an entire life like this?
My love is being wasted. And there is so much of it to give, and so many people are searching for this love- myself included. Yet I give it in return for rejection. So many years of running on a hamster wheel trying to love, get love, fix problems I cant identify, serve, clean, remove the bottles so he doesn't feel bad about it when he finally comes to.
 Manipulating happiness at my own expense. All gladly, and often unnoticeably. Returned with apathy.
Yet my Jesus endured more. For me. This is my job. whether I enter with heart guarded or not. However I am, this is my job, and my calling is to do it like I'm doing it for Jesus. I have to do it for him, or it won't get done right. I don't want to do it for anyone else anymore.

Lord, in your mercy, if you would have it, send me an appropriate outlet to guidance and caring support. I yearn for fellowship and understanding.